What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
bring money and cleavage
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
