Don't make out with my wife yet
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
