literally had 100 drinks last night.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
