I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
