I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
