i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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