His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
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