yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize