i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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