When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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