i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
