I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
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