i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
