my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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