I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
