btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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