Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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