dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
