If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
