I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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