Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
