He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
