This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
