We named our party play list daddy issues
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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