i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize