she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
