I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
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