apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I am naked and annoyed.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Randomize
