One girl and one boy is just not enough.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
