You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
We had sex on a dog bed..
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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