so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Randomize
