I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
