everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
