and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
he thought i was a dude.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
