Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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