how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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