Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
