Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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