She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Randomize
