i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
