im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
