I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
