So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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