at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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