apparently the secret to your success is patron
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
