Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
