the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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