Did you just see the Batmobile???
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize