these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
