So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
