Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
