My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
