I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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