Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
