a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
