sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
