apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
